I get a little grumpy around Christmas. I’ve always felt like I get short changed with Chanukah. Alan sent me this hysterical overview that provides a little perspective.
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It’s another paid day off work. We go to the movies and out for Chinese food. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don’t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos, etc. Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful…Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful etc. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don’t Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, “Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn’t sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here’s the number of my shrink”.
13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!
As an atheist I’ve always been *more* than a little grumpy at Christmas. But last year, I learned about “yule” and how it was a solstice celebration long before christianity even existed, and indeed part of the reason Christmas is such a big celebration is as a re-interpretation of the yule celebration for conversion purposes in the early church.
So, the “reason for the season” really is eating, bright lights to stave off the darkness at solstice (yule is celebrated in June in the southern hemisphere), decorated fir trees — we can enjoy these without the religious symbolism. There are even a few “christmas carols” that are more about the season.
Comment by Dave Jilk — December 10, 2005 @ 10:09 am
You may enjoy this “press release” a friend sent me:
“Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hannukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hannukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we’re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the fifteen days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords-a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel currently in hebrew, will be replaced by latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to “a great miracle happened there,” the message on the dreidel will be the more generic “miraculous stuff happens.”
In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher.
All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Hanukkah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the U.S. holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.
He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of “Oy, Come All Ye Faithful.”“
Comment by Anthony Cerminaro — December 10, 2005 @ 6:58 pm
Anthony’s press release is as funny as the post itself. Good stuff all. I’ve already stolen it (with attribution, of course).
Pat Robertson already hates me and my Jewish bretheren, so I may as well go all the way: Season’s greetings to all!
Comment by Peter Elkin — December 10, 2005 @ 9:36 pm
I tend to enjoy the seasons more than religious holidays as I seem to have more agnostic friends than most so- one of the most spectacular events I have attended is the Winter Solstice Celebration or Concert at St John the Divine in New York City. When I lived in NY I rearely missed a year. As I recall it is put on by Paul Winter and usaully has an international troup perform. One year had a tremendous performance by a Brazillian Drum Corp- there must have been 50 of them (sorry, I am Irish and tend to “enhance” stories) parading down the sides of the cathedral!
If you go, do take a tour of the basement, it is fascinating from an archetectural perspective!
Unfortunately the celebrations for this year are probably over but put it on your calander for next year.
Comment by Ed Flaherty — December 21, 2005 @ 4:54 pm
How can there be no comments. This is so spot on. Our traditions melded as we had a dual holiday household. But the withholding of Channukah gifts is right. As is the talking of everyone at once in the house. Good work. Thanks.
Comment by Jeff — December 22, 2008 @ 2:01 am
Thank you so much for writing this! Loved it and am going to link up to share with others that will enjoy. So glad that someone pointed this out on Twitter.
Comment by TheAngelForever — December 22, 2008 @ 2:09 am
Brilliant. Cute and clever.
Comment by shira — December 22, 2008 @ 8:55 am
Hilarious!
Comment by Daniel Newman — December 22, 2008 @ 10:21 am
[...] of Lights. Here is a little something that I found thanks to Twitter that you may also enjoy: The Differences Between Christmas and Chanukah. This may be from 2005, but it is still fabulous and I had to [...]
Pingback by Happy Chanukah 2008 | The Angel Forever — December 22, 2008 @ 8:09 am
[...] Feld Thoughts comes a brilliant explanation of the difference between Christmas & Chanukkah. Quote: Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut [...]
Pingback by Happy Chanukkah, Y’all — December 22, 2008 @ 8:10 am
[...] ends since Christmas will finish before Chanukah does. To refresh your memory, take a look at The Difference Between Christmas and Chanukah. An oldy but a goody. | Posted in: Great Stuff | Posted by: Brad Feld var [...]
Pingback by » Christmas vs. ChanukahFeld Thoughts » Christmas vs. Chanukah — December 22, 2008 @ 1:05 pm
Grating onions is so my mother and grandmother. Today, food processor. No eyes burning. Latkes still delicious! Happy Chanukah!
Comment by Cecelia Feld — December 23, 2008 @ 2:59 am
Loved this post! And thanks for clarifying the Chanukah spelling question in point 4 (I think this might be a list, Brad)….I thought it just might be me who was confused about the whole thing. Happy Chanukah, Merry Christmas, and Happy Festivus too!
Comment by Nancy C — December 23, 2008 @ 5:15 am
Thanks for posting! funny stuff! Iam A Christian and I would be happy to talk to any atheists!=)
Comment by ~Brother Andrey~ — September 30, 2009 @ 10:30 pm
[...] didn’t write this, but it’s cute. Get it after the [...]
Pingback by peHUB » Ghosts Of Chanukah Past — December 17, 2009 @ 5:57 pm